1)
Always wear the most amount of clothes possible.
Protect yourself from the elements as much as your wardrobe allows. If the
biggest jacket you have is a neon green ski jacket from 1976, wear that. It
don’t matter if it’s the middle of hot season and 100 degrees out; put that
sucker on.
2)
If you happen to come across a puddle in the
road, don’t worry, if you go through it fast enough, you’ll probably make it
through to the other side. Don’t worry about how deep it is, it’s all about
speed. If you or your passenger happens to get wet, well, at least you made it
through, right? Or wait, you didn’t? You’re moto got stuck in the mud in the
unseen 3 foot depth of a puddle? Don’t worry, just scooter it on out of there,
and by that I mean using your two feet to walk the moto out while still sitting
on it; much like a two year old on a pedal-less tricycle.
3)
If you see a bend coming up and you can’t see
what at the end of the bend, don’t worry about slowing down, just beep to let
anyone coming towards you know that you’re around the bend. They’ll probably
hear and make room for you, even if you do insist on taking the bend in the
middle of the road.
4)
Be polite, wave at your friends that you pass by
with both hands!
5)
If you’re listening to Cameroonian music playing
from your cell phone while driving, make sure you’ve got the speaker up all the
way so your passenger and everyone you pass can hear that you’ve got major
(distorted) sound. Everyone wants to hear it. Share the wealth dude.
6)
When taking a road that is partially washed out,
make sure to drive as close to the washed out gully as possible. That is, by
far, the most secure part of the road.
7)
If your back tire starts fishtailing, it’s not
because you’re going too fast or the road is a bit wet; it’s because you’re
passenger is too heavy. Be sure to remark how fat they are before continuing on
your journey.
8)
The object of the game is to get there as fast
as possible. Therefore, for any stretch of road that you can accelerate, do so.
It doesn’t matter if it’s only for 5 feet and then you have to slow down,
resulting in a stop and go, vomit-worthy ride. It’s all about getting there in
the least amount of time possible.
9)
A long moto ride is a great time to convert your
passenger. They can’t escape and they run out of excuses pretty quickly. So
have your Koran or bible ready!
10)
Sunglasses are for pussies! In fact, all eye
protection is! I don’t care if you’re going an average of 30 mph with flies
getting into your eyes or raindrops skewering your face, don’t be a pussy!
11)
Play chicken with the rocks in the road. Chances
are, they’ll get up and move before you hit them. But don’t worry if they
don’t. Just make sure to tie your cargo down really well before you go. Oh, you
have a passenger? Well, either they go flying or they don’t: Darwinian
selection, non?
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