Amerrrica- Oh yeah!

The title of this update is a little misleading. This is not going to be a blogpost about America. This blog is not about America. This blog is about living outside America. So I’m not going to take this post to give a blow-by-blow of what I did while I was visiting the states. Rather, it’s going to be more of an emotional and mental journey of reverse culture shock.

Sitting in Yaounde, waiting for my flight, I was excited. But there was also a lot of trepidation buried underneath by bouncing happiness. Being in Cameroon is tough sometimes. Right before I left post, I had many projects face some setbacks. Meetings were cancelled; presentations that I did didn’t have the result I was looking for, ect. Nothing big, just the normal setbacks that I experience on a regular basis. But with those being my most recent work experiences at post, I was really worried about going home. Home means my huge, loving family, my amazing friends, and some pretty stellar former colleagues. 

When I left, I was worried. I was afraid that the love on one side of the ocean was going to conquer my resolve to finish what I started here in Mogode, especially considering the setbacks I was leaving behind. I was worried about going home and eating delicious food. What if I didn’t want to go back to living in the desert with no water, little electricity, and food that doesn’t exactly tickle my taste buds. Basically, America is such a great country. How was it going to feel to go back and throw myself into my world of comfort and love and then pick myself right back up to come back to Cameroon?

With these thoughts in the back of my mind, I reentered civilization. When I stepped off the gangway, I had an urge to kiss the clean, cold ground of an American Airport. My first stop: coffee! I had Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts within minutes of each other. Then, Wendy’s for a Spicy Chicken Sandwich. I was in heaven.

I made it to Boston, despite some travel setbacks, in time for Katie’s graduation. There I was welcomed by my parents, grandparents, sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles: so many people! And friends! It was awesome. I felt so loved and except for having so much to catch up on, I felt like almost like I hadn’t left the states at all.

Except for some little things. Like being able to plug my computer straight into the wall. Being able to sing in the shower because I didn’t have to worry about keeping my mouth closed. Being able to shower! (No bucket baths for weeks). It was gloriously cold and sunny. The food was an adventure. I lived meal to meal, hitting up every cuisine imaginable with different company for every meal. It was great.

But in the midst of all this positive marvelousness, there was something that just wasn’t sitting right. I couldn’t just slide right back in to where I had left off. It may have been the parasites I brought back with me, but it may have been my altered worldview too.

When I was home in the keys, I was out on a snorkeling boat with some friends. There were a bunch of tourists with us; it was Memorial Day weekend. I was just chilling in the water, enjoying my life, and thinking. These people have lives that allow them to just pick up and travel to the keys for the day, go out on a gorgeous boat, just to swim in some beautiful water and watch some fish and coral. It is an ultimate luxury; to have the time, the resources, to simply make that trip. A luxury that these people that I work with can’t even imagine. A day off for them means staying home and cracking peanuts instead of backbreaking work in the fields. I was frustrated by a huge warring incompatibility going on in my head. I was upset that this didn’t exist in other parts of the world, grateful that it did exist in mine and that I was lucky enough to be able to partake, judging tourists, upset at myself for enjoying myself while children in other countries are digging through garbage just to feed themselves, happy at such a glorious day, so upset that people in our country waste so much, when those in others want so much, and so forth and so on. I was so confuddled! There were too many emotions and thoughts going through my head.

So I made a decision. I could either dwell on the inequality and feel guilty for my fortunate life, or I could accept that I was doing everything in my power to change that disparity and be gracious and grateful that the lot I was given was so full of blessings and ease. So I did; I chose the latter. And I enjoyed myself. I still marveled at clean tap water one could drink, and the variety of fruits and vegetables at the grocery store, at the ease of finding just about anything you could ever hope to buy at a single shopping mall. I went shopping and to movies. I hung out with friends and family. I revisited some of my favorite places and went to places I’d never been before. I had an amazing time. I could not have wished for a better trip home.

Leaving was tough. I got on the plane, talking on my phone with family up until the last second. The planes rides were uneventful; I just checked out and enjoyed my last few hours of western civilization. I was not excited about coming back, but I wasn’t dreading it either. So imagine my surprise, when, as we landed, I felt a tinge of relief and an “I’m glad to be home” feeling. It was a pleasant surprise because I didn’t realize that I felt that way about Cameroon. I was happy to finally get back to post, unpack and say hello to my villagers and friends.

The greatest part about this trip home, though, was the feeling that I now have. Before I left, I was harboring so much anxiety about being away from home and family and friends, and things and places that I love. But making that trip has helped me to feel way more connected. I think, before, I felt like I couldn’t come home, it was just too far, and therefore those things were out of my reach. Now, I understand that everything and everyone is still back there, going about their daily lives, and if I want to, or need to, I can go back and reenter life there, no problem. I feel so much more at ease now. So far, and this might simply be a product of having just seen my family, I haven’t woken up yearning for home or America since I’ve been back. It’s nice to feel at home here, to wake up in the mornings and not wish I were somewhere else. I’m ready to start the day, get to work and make a difference. Whoo hoo!